


The Outline of a Blown-Out Flame

by strangeallure



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Gen, LLF Comment Project, Near Death Experiences, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 05:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13827798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangeallure/pseuds/strangeallure
Summary: Set during 1x1 "The Vulcan Hello", after Michael's exploratory flyby and subsequent rescue.A brief glimpse into Michael's mind while she's in the anti-proton chamber.





	The Outline of a Blown-Out Flame

_‘It might end, you know,’ said Alice to herself, ‘in my going out altogether, like a candle. I wonder what I should be like then?’ And she tried to fancy what the flame of a candle is like after the candle is blown out, for she could not remember ever having seen such a thing._

\- _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ , Lewis Carroll

 

No sound. No sensation. No sensory input at all.

Shouldn’t there be pain, at least?

In her experience, pain was one of the inviolable constants. But now there is nothing.

An enemy warrior. No face, no skin, all armor.

_An object of unknown origin._

She remembers the giddiness of blasting through space to find this object, to explore it. She doesn’t feel it, though; not even the faint echo of an event experienced. It’s factual only, purely intellectual. There is no link to lived reality.

_Sculpture as crystallized spirituality._ Stone and metal as means to transcend death.

Is that what she is: dead?

Is this her katra? Splinters, shards of memory unbound by flesh, floating free?

_Iconography confirmed: Klingon._

Red insignia on metal, a bat’leth, a battle cry.

Her jetpack ignites, the bat’leth breaches the Klingon suit. There’s resistance: hard, soft, hard. Then bone and flesh and blood spray into space.

It’s a joyous moment. She has the Klingon impaled on his own weapon. She bears her trophy on the blade in front of her, pushed ever forward by the force of her thrusters. Destiny fulfilled as she takes the life of one of those who took her parents’ life.

The thought of triumph brings her back.

Now there’s too much of everything: sound, sensation - sensory overload.

Echoes of the past solidifying into lived experience, as raw and agonizing as the first time.

But the pain is more than mere memory. It takes root in reality.

Acute radiation syndrome. To name is to conquer, but not this time. If she had a mouth, she would scream. There’s no awareness of her body, yet she feels like cloth stretched too tight, wrung beyond repair. Fibers bursting apart and particles pushed out-out-out and away.

Is she still in space? She does not know. If she is, this is her body and her mind unraveling. Cellular degradation: _autophagy_ , self-devouring. How strangely poetic for a medical term. And an apt way for her to die: disappear into herself and leave nothing behind.

But no, that sounds peaceful, and this is anything but. It’s violent, painful, too much like her.

The one truth she dares not acknowledge is of the anger always simmering right beneath the surface of her skin, of her true character forged in an unending fire. It shames her, marks her as not-Vulcan, but it also makes her strong. Strong enough to survive a Klingon raid, an extremist attack and rejection by the Vulcan Expeditionary Group. Strong enough to survive yet again, to use her pain as a tether to her battered body and keep fighting.

Michael Burnham will not devour herself today. She will live and she will conquer.

From the nothingness, a memory arises: the Vulcan Learning Center, where she was so eager to prove herself worthy.

_Pupil Burnham._

**Author's Note:**

> My first writing in this fandom. In fact, my first fannish output in a long time. Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> It feels a bit silly to add this to such a short piece, but I really like the idea so: This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
> **Feedback** : short comments, long comments, questions, constructive criticism, "<3" as extra kudos, reader-reader interaction
> 
> [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)  
>   
>  **Author Responses** : This author replies to comments.


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